THIS IS A CONVERTED AMIGAGUIDE FILE --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Main "Wanda & CSilla, The Full Story" ------------------------------------- * __ __ __ _ _ ___ __ / ) / \/_ \ / \ / |/ \ /_ \ * * / /\/ / L) \ \ || |\ \ L) \ * * / / _ | || |/ )_ | * \___/\__/|_/ |_|__/\__//____// |_| AND ____ ___ ___ __ __ __ * / _) / )(___) / )/ )/_ \ * * | / / / ---- / // // L) \ * | \/\\ \/ // // /_ _ | * * \____/(___/____)\____)___)/ |_| ...the full story * * * 1. Index of Chapters (line 30) * * 2. About the Wanda & CSilla Story (line 53) 3. About the Authors of the Story (line 110) 4. Wanda & CSilla, The Full Story (line 158) Story "Wanda & CSilla, The Full Story" -------------------------------------- 1. Index: 1 An Introduction 17 More bugles... 2 Birth of a plan... 18 Filthy animals... 3 Knock Knock... 19 At the centre... 4 The Meeting... 20 Talk 5 It COULD work... 21 Steinberg, James Steinberg. 6 The death of Mary Queen of Scots... 22 Black? What do you mean? 7 Lazy Railway People... 23 Awakening 8 Goosechase Part 1 25 Indiana Steinberg... 9 Goosechase Part 2 26 It's.... THEM! 10 At.... 27 Exodus... 11 Care for some... 28 The key, the secret... 12 Home 29 Voices from within 13 At Last... 30 The Crash 14 The next morning... 31 To be concluded... 15 Several weeks later... 32 Concluding 16 The Partynight About "What's this then?" ------------------------- 2. About The Story The Wanda & Csilla story was written by The Problem, starting in the spring of 1994. It was finished a year later in the spring of 1995. All chapters where systematically released with every module that came from The Problem Music, in groups of three chapters. The final three chapters of the story where released with the Australia EP, inside the TP-Files Guide. Several requests of readers made us release this full version of the story. We just thought it would be nice to put it in a convienient guide. Actually you should have downloaded every module released since Long Term (and all the ones before), but since we are so incredibly goodwilling, we decided you can have it like this... For now, this is the complete version. If we get many requests to continue the story, we might just do so... Fill in the Opinion Poll that came with this story (if you haven't already done it ofcourse, we wouldn't want you to tire yourself...) Well, don't waste your time reading stuff like this, just read the story man! The Problem Stories Dept. would like to thank the following people for their contribution to this story: Wanda CSilla AlcoRhythm Solution Infinity and Smiths Bye! * All characters in this story, are non-fictional. * All similarities with real persons, dead or alive, are intended. * The WANDA and CSILLA story is written by The Problem, and may not be continued by anyone else! * No unauthorised merchandising * No animals where hurt during the writing of this story. * No animals where seriously hurt during the writing of this story. * Almost no animals where seriously hurt during the writing of this story. * Almost no serious animals where hurt during the writing of this story. * Almost no serious writers where hurt by the animals in this story... That's enough! Bye! -Ed. Authors "The Authors" --------------------- Yeah! What about them?! The story was written by 2 silly persons called AlcoRhythm and Solution. They have been doing some strange things before, but this is the worst! During the writing of this story these people have been doing not at all good things, like eeeum, eeum, hurting animals, eating bugles and stuff and denying doing so. Okay, so I hear you say: "I don't care about bugles or animals, but....but..STUFF! I mean, just...STUFF! That's enough! I've had it with these guys and their story!". Though luck for you, 'cause you'll miss out on a: "grand, fast, exiting, ROLLERCOASTER of a story..." -New York Review Of Books And now a word from our sponsors: "Drink Coca Cola!" -A sponsor who does not want to be mentioned. And now a word from those strange-n-silly persons, the writers themselves: "Bum!" And now another few words from some other sponsor: "Old BAG!" -Smiths, maker of Bugles (TM by Smiths) And now a last word from the writers: "It was fun and all that, so you better get on with reading the story!" And now a word. The word is: "I control the power!" -Ed. Editor of the help page and stupid remarks throughout this guide --------------------------------------------------------------------------- C1 "An Introduction" -------------------- Chapter 1 : An Introduction "Please get the Bugles! This is getting us nowhere!", said Alcorhythm to Solution while he was playing another failing attempt of a module. "You know what I think? I think we need more than just a few Bugles to make a good mod! I think we need another source of inspiration!" said Solution. He walked over to the table, and took a bag of Bugles from it. He opened the bag and tried one. "Mmm, you could be right", said AlcoRhythm, "but what do we need?". He pressed the CLEAR button on the screen and the failed module disappeared. "Turn on the radio", he said as he turned off the computer (and the keyboard). Solution got over to the radio and turned it on. Some stupid dance track was on (2 Unlimited or something) so the two 'composers' decided to devote the rest of what was left of the evening to those wonderful Bugles (at least it would get them out of their depression) and watching video. After a while the music on the radio got interrupted by some DJ. He advised his listeners to keep listening, because he would be back with more great music, after these important messages. Buy toilet paper! Win a prize by designing the best wings for 'Always'! We are the best! Go see this movie! Commercials... But then it happened : "Hellooooooow, I'm Wanda..." AlcoRhythm and Solution JUMPED up and started listening to their utmost attention... "And I fulfil ALL your needs! call me now at this number:.." "Get some paper and a pen", screamed Solution. But AlcoRhythm had already gotten it before Solution finished his sentence "...1-800-9675". Because of all the excitement our heroes didn't even hear the "25 guilders a minute" message spoken VERY soft and very fast at the end of the commercial. "Helloooooooow this is Wanda! How can I help you?". Solution and AlcoRhythm were stunned by this! "what a voice!" said AlcoRhythm, "That TIMBRE" said Solution. "HEY! Who is THIS?!?" yelled Wanda on the other side of the phone. "Hehe! Hehehehehehe!" said AlcoRhythm. "Is this you Beavis??? Come on.....I know you're there! My BEST customer does not have to be shy!" "Eeeur....no...it's us." said Solution. "Yeah that's what they all say!" said the Voice. This little show went on for hours and hours until.... "Hey you guys! What are you doing? I've been trying to reach you for hours!". It was Infinity, the other third of The Problem. "Did you hear that comm.." "Sssssst! Quiet!" the other two said "We have her on the phone right now!" "But don't you know....." "SSSSSSSSST!". "Joohoo.... Solutiputie! AlcoRhytypitie! Where did you go??? I'm gonna find you little rascals!" "SURE MA'AM!" said Infinity as he slammed down the phone! He got two angry looks in return! "What did you do THAT for!" "Shut up and listen! This stuff costs 25 guilders a second". (Attentive readers should have noticed by now that the dutch telephone costs are going up about every hour! This is a well known dutch problem....) "Fuck the phone company" said AlcoRhytypitie. "Yeah right! I'd rather fuck Wanda instead" said Solution. "Dream on!" replied Infinity. "With the money you just gave her, she should be in New Zealand by now!". (NOTE: The Problem has given the phone-company permission to withdraw their phonebills automatically from their accounts. But in this case, their accounts did NOT suffice! Stay tuned!) C2 "Birth of a plan..." ----------------------- Chapter 2 : Birth of a plan... The costs of the phonecall yesterday, where one of the two Problems AlcoRhythm and Solution had. The other Problem wasn't as important but it was there: They forgot to ask Wanda, if she wanted to come over to their HQ. To meet, so to say. "There's only one thing to do" said AlcoRhythm "and that is: call her, and ask her if she wants to help us... with both Problems." Solution answered: "Yeah, but do you really expect her to pay for our phonecalls with her???" "No, ofcourse not" said AlcoRhythm, but in his heart he hoped Wanda would do exactly that. "Maybe we can find out where she lives, and pay her a visit. Then we'll ask her if she wants to become part of The Problem, an offer she can not resist!" But both boys knew that this would be impossible. This plan couldn't work, ofcourse not! What did they think? She's probably a very rich, and very happy woman, living her live the easy way; hanging on the phone the whole day and satisfying both her costomers sexual fantasies and her hungry wallet! She was out of reach, high on top of the world, where no Solution or AlcoRhythm could possibly touch her. But still... There had to be a way to convince her, the almighty goddes of the world, that they didn't want to be on the phone for such a long time. It just happened. And they didn't even talk about sex, not even one word. It was just a normal, every day conversation about stuff and stuff. The only thing wrong in this situation was the phonebill. It was just as high as Wanda, ruler of men, over there at the top of the world. "Let's just do it! Let's just find her adress and go! If our parents find out what the new destination of their salary is, they will probably expect us to pay for it ourselfs, and I think that is impossible". Solution said this with his eyes aimed at the enormous amount of numbers on the piece of paper in front of him. The one on wich they tried to calculate the exact size of their contribution to "Wanda's Wellfare". "I think you're right" said AlcoRhythm. He picked up the phone and called (wanda) DJ Infinity. The DJ was stunned. He couldn't say a word. How could those two have been so stupid?!? However, he agreed to help in any way he could, and said that he would be at the HQ within five minutes. And amazingly, he was... There was no return. The Plan To Save The Problem was already there, the first step into it already taken. It was time to meet Wanda (I'll fulfil aaaaalll your needs,... if you pay...) C3 "Knock Knock..." ------------------- Chapter 3 : Knock Knock... The three Problem members where on the road for a long time to find the adress they wrote down. No Wanda. Ofcource there were more adresses. The list they carried contained seven possibilities. The following adress was close to the first one, and therefore very easy to find. They walked to the house, wondering if they were still on the same planet as this morning, when the plan started to take form. Bravely they walked over the pebbles, towards the very big (very big!) house (a kingsize mountain with a door and a zillion windows). The door was very big too and wasn't really painted too good. The building itself was white (as in used-to-be-white) with some cracks running through the walls. It was immensely high, especially when you looked up to it from such a small distance. "Woooow, huuuuge" the DJ whispered. "Yeaeah, riiight" Solution answered. "Who wants to ring the bell guys?" AlcoRhythm looked hopefully from Solution to DJ Infinity and back. No response to his question. "Come on guys, who?" It seemed that no-one really understood what he was saying. Still no answer. The terrifying idea of having to do it himself crawled into his brain. Adrenalin rushed through his vains. One more time his eyes traveled the distance from The DJ to Solutiputie. He thought: "Well that's it, I'm on my own, I'll have to do this by my self" and he said "Okay men, move over. I am going to ring the bell". One step closer to the door was enough to see it! "Oh no!" he thought "this can't be true! Oh my god, no please, don't let it be true!" His whole mind, his whole being was whiped in a single second; he panicked. "No no no, why me?!?", he thought. "Is something wrong?" Solution asked. "IS SOMETHING WRONG??? Ofcourse SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! What are you? Stupid?" AlcoRhythm screamed at Solution as if it was his wife telling him that she fell in love with his sister. "Can't you see!" he yelled "THERE IS NO DOORBELL!!! Stupid huh? No doorbell at all! IS SOMETHING WRONG??!?! Yeah something is wrong! No Bell!!!" AlcoRhythm really lost it! He threw himself on Solution in an attempt to break pieces off his body. Infinity couldn't believe it. What a lovely sight! "NOW, BREAK IT UP, FELLOWS! STOP IT!" His voice hit the walls and returned to repeat what he just said, and hereby making it sound like he was preaching in a church. But it worked, the fight stopped. "Okay" The DJ spoke softly and carefully "would you please look at the door again." They did. "What do you see???" No answer. "I'll tell you see. You are looking at a big, badly painted door with no doorbell. The absence of this modern technoligy is probably the reaseon for the big metal thing in the midle. This device you see is commonly used to knock. Knock Knock Knock, it's not modern but it works." He walked over to the door and demonstrated how it worked. Knock Knock. "In a horrormovie this would be THE time for a thunderstorm" Infinity thought. Then, after 30 seconds of waiting the door opened... C4 "The Meeting..." ------------------- Chapter 4: The Meeting... "Suppliers use the back door!!!" WHAM! The door slammed shut again. "Damn" said AlcoRhythm whos hart had skipped at least 30 beats during the wait. "Damn" observed the DJ (who still though that this was all a joke since he hadn't actually TALKED to Wanda). And "Damn" said Solution who was now standing on his head. "Why are you standing on your head?" asked both AlcoRhytipie and Infinity. Their question flew cross the vast estate that seemed to belong to Her, and reached the ear of Solution by echoeing of the overhanging roof. "Mmmm Good question... Let's install a think tank!" said Solution who was now trying in several feeable attemps to get upside up again. While the others were helping to get his feet back on to the ground, the door opened up for the second time.... There was nobody visible through the doorway, but there seemed to be someone behind the door. "I didn't realise that you guys where clowns! Clowns are always welcome here!!!",said the Voice. The Problem held their breaths, waiting for someone to appear. The DJ (Whose lungs didn't quite have the square measure of the ones used by perl-divers) fell onto the driveway, gasping for breath. And then.... and then.... A Maid appeared in the doorway...."come on in!" said the voice of the woman that they had been calling 'ruler of the world'. The guys stepped into what appeared to be a large hallway. All of them were shaking on their feet. "WOW! Her voice sounds even better in real-time!" whispered Solution, who always had to use technical terms, to the others. "Yeah, NOW I know what you mean". It was Infinity, speaking for the first time since his damn(about 22 lines back). His voice (and all the rest of him) seemed enchanted and floating along the ceiling. "SNAP out of it!" was AlcoRhythms reaction. "Yeah SNAP out of it!" (Solution was trying to replay a classic Monty Pyton movie called Monty Pyton and the holy grail, which is about lots of handsome knights trying to find the lost...) "GET ON WITH IT" said God to the writer, and he did. "And this is a MAID? WANDA, OUR WANDA is a MAID??!?" It was the collective mind of all three thinking this. Synchronized Minds, as they say. The DJ was the first to speak up. "Are you Wanda?" he said with a voice trembling like a 112 year old caucasian male. "Yes... And I fulfil all your needs! That is, I fulfil the needs and old sabretooth up there gets all the money!" said Wanda. C5 "It COULD work..." --------------------- Chapter 5: It COULD work... "No SHIT!" said Inifity. "No money either..." replied Wanda. "We got to get you out of here, ma'am" "OK! But how?" "We run for it!" "May I say something?". It was Solution who thought that Infinity had done enough talking already. "The bitch can probably see us from upstairs! Is that right oh divine T... eeuh... Wanda?". "Guess so! And she still has the money! I REALLY have to get out of here! She beats me and stuff!". As The Problem where pondering over their next move, Wanda spoke up again: "Who are you guys anyway?!?"."No time to explain! You wouldn't understand it anyway!". "Bullshit Infinity!" said AlcoRhythm, whose mind had finally returned to groundlevel. He told her the whole story. "Can't she hear us or anything?", Solution was getting a little uneasy..."No," said The Voice (Alcos mind started elevating now but this was stopped by Infinity who gave him a pretty hard bang on the head....) "What did you do that for?" "We need that brain of yours down HERE instead of up there!!!". "Stop it you two! Could you let me finish here?". The Problem had now heard Wanda upset for the first time... "Wow! She beautiful when angry" their synchronized minds thought. (The Problem's Synchronized Mind (R) was still in beta-test phase at this moment...). "No, she can't" said Wanda again, looking at her watch. "She's taking her afternoon beauty nap! If sleeping would make her more beautiful, she has to sleep 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to get ANY results!" "Where IS the money?" asked AlcoRhythm, saying his second sensible thing since he entered. "You said your second sensible thing since you entered here Alco! But that's besides the point really." added Solution. After hours of this kind of discussion (Good thing that the Old Bat had to sleep so long!), the following plan was born. According to Her Diviness eeuh Wanda, the money was in the room of Old Bat, who seemed to be called Hedy D'A. (Her last name doesn't really matter, since it's of no importance here! (Guess who?)). Infinity was to get out and try to attract her attention by performing the (very loud) Monty Python version of "The death of Mary Queen of Scots." AlcoRhythm and Solution were to get the money, and Wanda was to stay at the back door to be able to run away quickly. Technically (and under the best Laboratory Circumstances) it COULD work... C6 "The death of Mary Queen of Scots..." ---------------------------------------- Chapter 6: The death of Mary Queen of Scots... "Synchronize watches!" wispered AlcoRhythm. "What for?" asked Wanda. "Well... they do it in all the movies...". "Why not use The Problems Synchronized Minds (R)?" asked Infinity."No can do! SyncMinds is not developed so far!" said technical Solution. "OK! Let's do it then!". The DJ went outside to prepare for his act, while the rest of TP got up the stairs to miss eeuh Bat D'As bedroom. "ARE YOU MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS?!?!?" yelled the DJ. From the noise inside the bedroom Solution and AlcoRhythm could hear the Bat had awoken. "YES!" skrieked Infinity with a high pitched voice. Solution and Alco where now listening with their ears to the door. Suddenly, the door BURST open and the interior part of The Problem were squashed between the door and the wall. "OOOOOH! GRRR! Who are these people outside? I can't see them through my window! I should have washed it long ago!" said the monster as she thundered past the squashed persons who she didn't even notice! Judging from the noise, she went to find another window that WAS clean. "BANG! BANG! CLUNK!" "AAAAAAAAARGH!" "BOFFFF! BOFFF! SLAP! SLAP!" "HIIIIIIII HIIIII" (Alco and Solution thought that Infinity was playing his part rather well...). After they had scraped themselves off the wall, the two composers quietly went into Hedys room. Inside was a BIIIIGGGG laser defence system, built around the vault! "How are we EVER going to get in there?!?" wispered Solution. "Look at ALL THAT MONEY" screamed AlcoRhythm. "SSSST!" "Well ok!" As they stood looking for a way to get in, Infinity was now REALLY getting into it! "WOHOHOHO! WAAAARGH!" "DOFFFF! DANG! CLUNKACUNKA!". The two problem members inside were suddenly suprised to find that Wanda had entered the room too! "I thought you were to stay at the back door!" "It took you guys so long, I thought I'd be of any help!" "How can we get through the laser-maze?" "Oooooh! If that's all! It has a plug right there in the right corner!" Wanda pulled it out and the rest started throwing the money out of the window! Heaps and heaps upon piles and piles! But then.... Hedy D'A appeared in the doorway with a gun . Everybody was so busy throwing the cash out of the window that nobody noticed that she was there! Wanda was smiling at Solution when she was grabbed from behind by the bitch! "Drop everything or she's history!" (This 1-800- biz is really getting out of hand!) Solution and AlcoRhythm were completely stunned!!! But Infinity (who was still doing his thing) wasn't aware of all this and kept going. "ZING! FLING! ZWING! TWOING!" "GLUP! GGGLLLLLLL! SIGH!". Hedy dragged Wanda to the window. (This part of the house was built partly on the overhanging roof because there was no place somewhere else...) "OK! Surrender or she gets thrown out the window!". "Well...." Infinity interupted him: "I THINK SHE'S DEAD!!!" "NO I'M NOT!!!". "BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!" Infinity was now starting a chainsaw in order to get his part 100% original! "WEEENG WENG WENG BRRRRR WENG WEEEEEEENG" "HIIIIIIIIIII WAAAAAAAAA!" "Who's the nut-case outside?" demanded Hedy. "Well..." "WEEEEEENG!" The DJ was now frantically slicing the wooden pilars that were holding the overhanging roof! "For the last time! Surrender or she gets it!" "We can't" KLIK! KLIK! The model gun as used by Hedy D'A in this story wasn't 100% certified operational. Meaning it failed to function properly this time... "She's gonna get it! I'm warning you for the last time!" Infinity had now completed his slicing work. "OK! You ASKED for..." She couldn't say anymore because the whole frontal part of the building was collapsing. Our two internal heroes could get out in time, but Hedy aswell as Wanda started tumbling 20 feet down (It WAS an awfully large house...). The main difference between Hedys fall and Wandas was the way it ended! Hedy landed with her head on the pebbles that formed the path up to the house. Her neck folded backwards breaking it. The rest of her body (that hadn't hit the ground yet) fell over it and was instantly reduced to a bag of flesh with some bone-waste left in it. The gun went of, and the bullet went straight through what was left of her stomach. Wanda on the other hand was less fortunate... Infinity catched her in her fall, but she had gained SO MUCH speed that even the strong DJ (He is?) couldn't hold her. Infinity landed on the pebbles, Wanda on his finger, breaking it in the process. She on her side broke a leg. "WOOOHOHO! HIIIIII!" cried Wanda. Fortunately Solution and AlcoRhythm came out as soon as they could. "You'll be allright" said Solution helping her up. Infinity had managed to get up himself. While Solution was comforting Wanda, the other two looked at the bag-o-shit that was left of Hedy D'A. "I think she's dead..." said AlcoRhythm. "NO I'm NOT!" It scared the HELL out of Alco and Infinity! "It's only Wanda! You should have recognized The Voice!!!". They all laughed and started collecting the money that was now flying all around them in a big green cloud of paper. When all of them had taken all they could hold, the four of them got the fuck out off the estate. Solution and Infinity had to support Wanda which slowed them down considerably. They runned as fast as they could to the train station, because the police had heard the shot and were now sending every non-dougnut-eating police-officer down to the mansion. But at the station.... "OH NO!" Screamed Wanda. "SHIT!" Yelled Solution. "What?!?" demanded AlcoRhythm..... C7 "Lazy Railway People..." --------------------------- Chapter 7: Lazy Railway People... All four were looking at the same object. The looks on all their faces were the same: all the faces were amazed, shocked actually. The object being looked at was a sign. On the sign was some very big, very clear text. The words screamed at them: BECAUSE OF A NATIONAL STRIKE AMONG THE RAILWAYPERSONEL, NO TRAINS WILL RIDE FOR AN UNKNOWN PERIODE OF TIME. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. AlcoRhythm was turning red all over, and Solution took a few steps away from him (to avoid being jumped at again). The DJ saved Wanda (again) from falling out of Solutions hands. "They went on strike!", he said. "They went on strike! Yeah suuure! I Can Read, you know!", AlcoRhythm was getting more red than ever. He was trying to calm himself down, but it was hard, very hard... "I got to control myself, I got to! Come on, get a grip...". AlcoRhythms face actually changed colour. It turned purple, not a good thing... "O my, o my, I think I am going to explode!"...he didn't. Slowly his face turned to DJ Infinity. The DJ got a little nervous now, and decided that going into defence was the best thing to do in this type of situation. He took position across the purple man, as if he was in 'The Ring'. The audiance watched with tence looks on their faces. "Why is he going to fight me?", AlcoRhythm asked himself. "He must know that he can't win..." AlcoRhythm started to bend his knees, to take the jump. Infinity would be no more than a big flat red thing, stuck to the floor. The muscles in Alcos leg tightend, and then... "AlcoRhythm, I think you are exagarating just a little bit." Wanda spoke the words with her amazing Voice. The sound entered the ears of the purple man and did their magic work. Slowly the purple started to change back to red. The red changed back to dark pink, back to normal skin colour. DJ Infinity got out of his silly Ninja position, and wiped his forehead. "Thanks for the help", he said to Wanda, "but I could have beaten him you know." "What are we going to do now?", Solution asked. A good question, since the police had figured out that people who shoot old ladies usually come by train, and were now on their way to the Train Station." C8 "Goosechase Part 1" ---------------------- Chapter 8: Goosechase Part 1 "Do I hear a sirene?" asked Wanda. "I hope not, but I'm afraid you do..." Solution was starting to get a little tired from carying Wanda all the time, so DJ Infinity took over. "This is not so good for my broken finger", he said, with an expression of pain on his face. "Well, whatever we do, we can't outrun them. We'll have to think of something quick, or we are going to get it!" said AlcoRhythm. "And how right he is!" Solution continued "it seems to me that the only way we can go, is back. Now, since the police probably suspect that we will be comming out that way, I think that is not the way out of this mess." "What if we go inside the building?" suggested Wanda "with all the people on strike, there should be plenty of hiding-places inside." "She's right! Let's move in!". Solution walked over to the door on their left side. "Locked". The sirenes were getting closer and closer. He walked along the wall, to the second door. "It's locked... of course." "Time's up boys, we have to do something now!" A policecar parked in front of the trainstation. A second one followed. Two policemen came out of each car. One of them was very fat, and didn't wear a policecap like the others. The last one to come out of the car, was the big chief. He was a tall, slim man wearing sunglasses and grinding a piece of chewinggum between his yellow teeth (with no succes, the gum stayed in one piece, as it should...). "Have you got any valid description of the suspects?" he asked the fat man. "Nope, we only know that there must be at least 3 of them, and we're almost certain they came on foot." "Then why the hell are we here?" "We think they came by train sir." "How can you be certain???" "Well sir, we found this trainticked at the scene of the crime. We also found several footprints, leading us in this direction, sir." "Okay, I see your point, but do you assholes know that the railway is on strike today?" "No sir, we don't" "Well, the railway company is on strike today. So it's kinda hard for those lady-killers to have come by train, ain't it?" "Yes sir, I understand. But if I may ask sir, when did they start this strike?" "Today!" "Yeah, but at what time? Was there time for that scum to come by train?" "I don't know but I can find out. I'll contact base, they know lotsa stuff." "Finally!" Solution yelled, "This window is open!". Alcothythm walked over to were Solution was standing. "You mean this window?" "Yes!" "Hey DJ", AlcoRhythm yelled, "come over and take a look at this! Man, this window is too small for a mouse to crawl through!" Solution looked at the window and thought: "He could be right about that, but I know it's our only way in..." He tried to open the window somewhat further, but it was already completely open. Then he said: "Okay, I'll go first!" and he stuck his leg through the opening. The other leg followed. Everything went quite well, until his butt got in the way. "Hey guys, I could use a little help here. I think I'm stuck..." If the situation wasn't this painful, the other Problem members would have laught their heads off, but this was serious business. DJ Infinity lay down Wanda on the bare ground, and told her to stay put. She didn't hear, 'cause she had dozed off a minute ago... Then he and AlcoRhythm started to push Solution, in an attempt to squeeze him through the little hole in the wall. It failed, but not completely: the wooden window-frame produced a loud crack, and a large part of the left side broke off. The window was getting bigger, just what they need. Are they a lucky bunch or what? Not really... "At base they told me that the trains haven't been riding since 10 o'clock this morning, wich means that they could have come by train." the chief said. The fat man smiled and said: "And if those dirtbags don't know about the strike, they probably went to this trainstation, to find themselves stuck at the main platform. If they come out, we've got them!" "Yeah, but we can't be sure they're there, so I suggest we move in." "Eeehm, sir, I think its better to wait 'till they come out. What if they're armed. I know they can see us, but I'm not so sure if we can see them, once we're in there." "Mmm, good thinking. We'll stay out here, and in the meantime I'll call for backup. Once the backup gets here, we'll storm the platform. They won't know what's coming over them! Hahaha!" "Great Frank! Eeuh, I mean SIR" But mister SIR was already busy calling backup. C9 "Goosechase Part 2" ---------------------- Chapter 9: Goosechase Part 2 Solution fell onto the floor of the basement. "Come you guys! All clear!" AlcoRhythm pushed the DJ down, who landed on the same spot as Solution had. Alco now, didn't have any help. He swung his feet into the hole and started climbing down. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his neck. Some stupid bloke who wanted to install paintings in the basement some time ago, had hit a nail into the wall right below the window! AlcoRhythm was hooked! Only after several painful attempts the rest could get him down. He was bleeding from a wound in the back of his neck. "Ouch!" he said repeatedly. The DJ ripped open his shirt and that really hurt his finger! The shirt was torn into long pieces and wrapped around Alcos neck to prevent him from bleeding to death on the scene! Solution had already started to check out their surroundings. The basement was a large one and it had one simple little light-bulb. Solution soon found the switch and flicked it. An eary glow illuminated the room. The bulb was swinging around causing the shadows to take on the most horrible ever changing shapes... A small door was the only exit. Soon The Problem found out, that the door could only be opened from the outside!!! "Darn!" said AlcoRhythm. "Let's break it down!" said a red-flushed Infinity. "I say, Infinity! You are looking like a bull!". And he did. His face got more and more red until suddenly he stormed towards the door, causing it too break immediately! "Hey! I thought we would do this together!" Yelled AlcoRhythm. They found Infinity face down in a pile of dirt in the next room. He got up and started climbing a stairway with the rest. "Hey Wanda! How are you doing back there?" asked Infinity. "I thought you had her!" informed Solution. "But you..." "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRAGGHHH!" It was AlcoRhythm again. Both Solution and Infinity jumped! Luckily for them, he was now able to control his temper a little better then in the beginning of the story, and he soon gained control over himself again. "Where is she?" Solution asked retorically. "Come over here with your hands up!". Wanda immediately was wide awake! "Huh? What?". "Slowly get up miss, we're not going to hurt you! Just throw away your weapons and come over here with your hands up!". Wanda didn't know what to do. Because her pondering took too long for SIRs pleasure he yelled "Get up NOW you filthy animal! We have got you surrounded!". "I can't! My leg..." "Don't give us that crap! We know your type!!!" "But it's broken!" "Hey, Gonzales... go check it out!" wispered Frank. Gonzales , who was known for his quick reaction to things happening around him, slowly walked over to Wanda with a gun in his hand. "Don't do anything foolish now!" he said. While the rest cept him covered, he started checking upon Wandas leg. He liked the legs of this strange blond woman... Wanda cried out in agony. "Whahahahhahaaaaaaaargh!" screamed her high pitched Voice. "It's broken allright... Hey Frankeeeuh Sir!" "Yes Gonzales?" "I'm going to carry her over to the van now! Keep an eye on the rest of the premesis." He lifted the beautiful looking girl up and walked her over to the police-van. "And great breasts too" he thought. "Whahahahhahaaaaaaaargh!" "The Voice..." three Synchronized Minds (R) thought instantly. None off them said anything, they just stood there, with their jaws dropping further and further. A sirene ripped the silence, and this sound brought back their abbility to think. AlcoRhythm slowly turned his head to Infinity and said: "Guys, please tell me that Wanda is standing right behind us. Please..." "I'm afraid she's not." "O my god! Oh my god, they got her!" Solution yelled. "We have to get her back!!! Come on guys" "Solution! We can't, they'll take us in too." "But we can't just stand here! We gotta do something!" "Yeah! We have to get out of here. NOW! It won't take the police very long to find us here!" said AlcoRhythm. He continued walking the stairs. The others followed, not believing that they were leaving Wanda. The sirene slowly faded away. "They are taking her away, so they're gone." said the DJ. "I wouldn't count on it" Solution sighed. At the end of the stairs was a big hall. "Okay, let's run for it" and AlcoRhythm started rushing through the hall. "Come on you!" Solution and Infinity walked through the hall towards Alco. Together they got down another stairway, wich would lead them to the other platforms. There were lots to choose from, but they weren't picky this time, they chose the last one. The Problem rushed through the long tunnels all the way to the end, and then stormed up another stairway. They reached platform 17C and looked back to were they came from, and saw a zillion policeofficers looking the other way. Then they left the scene by crossing the railway and running down the road. "Okay men! Let's move in! They must be in the building!" commended the chief. A greenclothed Backup Policeman spread the command to the rest of his men. "Okay men, half of you moves in whilst the other half stays here, on the lookout! Well now: MOVE!" Half a zillion green men flooded across the platform, storming the building. All of them thought the same thing: "How do we get inside?" "Hey Everybody, over here! There's an open window over here! Let's go in!" "I'll go first." said a little green man as he jumped through the window. "Well? Anyone there?" "No, not really. But I can't seem to get my feet on the floor." The voice of the little man trembled a bit. "I'm stuck, stuck to the wall. Will anybody help me please..." "You're not going to cry, are you?" "Er, no sir, but I would be pleased if anyone would get me off the hook." The little green legs of the little green man were desperately trying to find something to stand on. Another green man went through the window, sliding past the little one, and landed safely on the floor. He looked at the little man, whose eyes were watering a bit now, for a few seconds and, without doing anything to help him, yelled "Okay guys, I got him, come on in!" And they did. All of them. The little green man felt boots, butts and other green material hit his head, slamming it against the wall. He didn't screem though, he thought himself quite a tough man... He would be released soon after the search through the building was done, and the day was almost over. Policemen can be so childish, don't you think? C10 "At...." ------------ Chapter 10: At.... After the capture of Wanda, the Problem decided to follow the policevan to the station, and to free Wanda from there using brutal, uncensored violence if neccesary. The fact was (actually) that the guy driving the van had never heard of the 30 km/h speed limit and was infact driving at 150 km/h! A long walk and many questions later, they arrived at precinct 13, the lair of the (little) green men... Some stupid bloke had left the back door open, and The Problem were able to sneak in unseen. They heard Gonzales say "Wow! That Wanda woman was one piece of work!" "Yeah" said somebody else "Did you see how Frank looked at her?" "Right man! Makes you really wonder WHY he insisted on going with Johnson and Van Dam to the hospital...". At this point The Problem realised that they had to hurry. "To the hospital! Let's GO!" yelled Solution jumping from behind a desk. The green people in the room were so stunned they couldn't do a thing! The Problem ran out and made their way to the hospital. C11 "Care for some..." ---------------------- Chapter 11: Care for some... Wanda woke up in a strange room. She was wearing a long gown and her leg was a total mess because the doctor who had bandaged her had only just graduated from doctor-school and had tried to make 'his' first 'leg' into his hobby, namely WW II... The plaster was everywhere except on her leg... well allmost... "Soooooooow! We are awake aren't we?" said Frank. Thinking of her 'rights', (You have the right to remain silent, if you give up the right etc.) she wisely kept quiet. Slowly she started to look around in this dull looking hospital room, designed to make the patients feel as bad as possible in order to keep them in hospital longer. Meanwhile Johnson and Van Dam had found out where the nearest doughnut shop was, and were eating their entire salaries away. What Wanda saw didn't please her at all. Frank blocked the exit, and from what she could gather she wasn't exactly on ground level. Out of the window she could see the roofs of some buildings... FROM THE TOP!!! Wanda tried to move, so she could look the other way, but then she noticed that her feet couln't move at all. "My god! Paralized!" she thought. A moment later: "No, tied to the bed! What for?" From the scared look on her face Frank could tell that Wanda wasn't at ease. Slowly he walked over to the bed. "Let me straighten your pillow for you." he said with a honeysweet voice. "I'd rather have you untie my legs for me." Wanda replied. "No can do, miss. But I can do the pillow..." "No thanks, pillow's fine." "I don't think so, I'm going to do something about it." "No please, it's okay... Don't bother." "But I want to..." Frank insisted, as he kept on walking towards the bed. "You are very kind sir, but you don't need to. I'm fine, thanks." Frank reached the bed. He blinked at Wanda, and with one hand he tried to straighten the pillow. The other hand was floating over Wanda's face, moving to her chest. "This better miss?" he asked, his voice a mile away in his fantasy. The hand above Wanda's chest started to move down. Wanda thought: "What the hell is he doing? My pillow is fine, and nobody needs such a long time to straighten it. I don't like this man, what is his hand doing down there..." When the hand touched her left breast the word 'rape' screamed through her head. Before she could deside what to do next, she had slapped Franks face. "Goddamned!!!" he raged. "I'll get you for that!" Wanda looked at him, trembling all over her body, and then she saw a flash of shiny clean metal flying through the air. KLING! One of Franks handcuffs had 'nailed' her left arm to the bed. KLANG! Her right hand got handcuffed too. Now, with her arms and legs tied, Frank could do what he wanted all along. "Hehehehe!" he said. Slowly he removed his sunglasses, and Wanda saw that one of his eyes was badly damaged. One of his golden teeth blinked at her while she was trying to free herself. "Now" Frank said "we are going to have some real fun. And if anybody finds out I will tell my collegues all about how you tried to run away while I was only trying to straighten your pillow... I just had to shoot you, or you would have escaped..." Then he opened the zipper of his pants and tore Wandas gown apart. The little buttons flew across the room, and Wanda yelled. Franks hand landed hard on her mouth and with his other hand he ripped the pillow from under Wandas head. He shook the sleeve off it and stuffed it into Wandas mouth. "MMMWMWMMMWM! MWMWMMMMMM!" she said. "Don't mention it, it was nothing!" His hand took a stiletto from his backpocket, and a sharp blade jumped out with a click, right in front of (and very close to) Wandas face. Her eyes got as big as tennisballs. She was desparately trying to breath through her nose feeling like there wasn't any air left in the room. Her body started to sweat all over, glistening in the evening sun. The knife slowly moved downwards, touching her skin slightly. "How can this be happening to me?" she thought. "O my god, why is there nobody around? Where are Solution, AlcoRhythm and Infinity?" The stilletto touched her throat. "He's going to kill me. I know it!" Only a moment later the blade flashed through the air, and her bra was cut in two pieces. The knife travelled further down over her trembling body. Her stomach was rapidly moving up and down as she was breathing faster and faster. The knife reached the edge of her slip and cut straight trough it. Frank threw the knife over his shoulder and it landed close to the door. He ripped away the remains of the slip, and his hand slided between Wandas legs. She pressed them together as hard as she could, but it didn't bother Frank. She felt his fingers moving through her curly pubic hair, and she wished she was somewhere far away from this hospital. She wished that this Frank person was dead. She wanted to scream. Frank pulled his pants down in a quick agressive movement. Wanda closed her eyes, she didn't want to see anymore of Frank. The policeman readjusted the ropes around Wandas leg so that she was forced to spread them. Frank looked at her for a moment and then started to touch her... everywhere... "Oh god! Get me out of here... Solution! Alco! Infinity!!!" The light inside the room was slowly diminishing and shadows started to fall over Wandas naked body. He got wilder and wilder. One of his hands was squeezing on her breasts. He didn't do it gently, he was doing it so rude, that it hurted the girl. All this made Wanda scream so hard that her gag started coming out of her mouth. Suddenly he threw himself on her. Wanda could smell his bad breath. It nearly knocked her out. He even bit her! Slowly he moved his tongue over her sweating body. After about ten minutes he crawled up again and lay flat on Wanda. Breathing in her face. "And now", he said, "playtime is over. You will enjoy the next part girl! You'd better." His hips slowly moved down, and just when he wanted to force himself a way in, the door burst open and Solution and the rest ran inside. Quickly Solution saw the knife and grabbed it. Frank had recovered from the shock he got into after seeing The Problem enter tried to get off Wanda. A moment later Solution was over at the bed and threw Frank on the floor. "KILL him!!!" Screamed Wanda who had managed to get her gag out. "He RAPED me!!!". Solution was a bit confused. Frank took advantage of this. He got up and started to run out of the room, but he was met by AlcoRhythm who tackled him. Frank fell face down onto the floor. He got up a second time but Infinity kicked him in the face, and he fell backwards. Solution caught him from behind in his fall. His nose was bleeding and a few of his teeth came out. "Kill him!!!" yelled Wanda. AlcoRhythm was now really in a rage! He kicked Frank in the balls, making him scream! "KILL HIM!!! I can't take anymore of him!" The Problem had never seen Wanda so angry in their lives!!! She cried. Solution got really upset now. With one quick move he cut open Franks throat. Blood squirted out. Solution got away just in time to avoid touching it. He and the others got over to the bed to free Wanda. "GLRRLGLGLGLRRLGLGGLOLGLROLGOLRLOLLG!!!!" Frank gurgled. They got the key from Franks belt. Franks body had stopped moving although the blood was still flowing out. It was only now that Wandas nakedness struck The Problem. All of them stood there just looking at her, still glistening with sweat. Wanda hobbled over to Solution and gave him a big kiss. The others got one too before they had time to complain. "You.... you.... saved my live!!! I..." and then she fainted. Alco could just catch her before she hit the floor. They wrapped Wanda in a blanket, stepped over the pool of blood and made their way out of the hospital. On their way out they met Van Dam, who was on his way to check on Frank and Wanda. The Problem quickly ran into a room until Van Dam was gone and then they got out of the hospital without too much trouble. The next Problem would be how they would get home... C12 "Home" ---------- Chapter 12: Home The Problem had walked along the freeway for about three hours, when they finally hitched a ride. The three boys took turns carrying Wanda, who came to consciousness once in a while, and then dozed off again. The vehicle that stopped was an autobus. A big travelerbus, which was on its way back to base. Besides the chauffeur there was nobody inside since it was off-duty. The Problem took seats in the back, as far away from the driver as possible (about 18 meters). Solution and Wanda sat on the biggest seat in the back. It would be a long ride, and The Problem was tired. AlcoRhythm and the DJ were already sleeping when Wanda opened her eyes again. She saw Solution, who was holding her head in his lap, and moving his fingers through her hair. She wanted to scream, but then recognized him. Her eyes closed again, and a smile appeared on her face. "Thanks..." she wispered. Then Solution went to sleep too. Wanda slept for half an hour when she suddenly woke up, because of a noise she had heared. She saw something moving on the roof, through the little window labeled 'Emergency Exit'. She tried to get up, but her leg wouldn't let her. "Hello..." she said. The driver looked back and smiled at her. Wanda calmed down a bit now. "Probably a tree we past or something. Maybe a bird." Then she heard the window sliding open. She looked and saw two feet entering the bus. Her mouth opened to scream, but her voice was gone. A man jumped in, holding a shotgun in one hand. The man stood there, about 4 metres from the driver, who didn't notice a thing. The intruder aimed his gun at the head of the driver and pulled the trigger. KLICK! The man at the wheel turned his head, a surprised look on his face. He looked straight in the barrels of the gun, while the intruder took a stilletto from his backpocket... Wanda tried to shake Solution awake, but she was paralized with fear. She recognized the intruder, but she couldn't believe it. It was Frank. Frank took the drivers head and pulled him out of his seat. The bus slowed down immediately, but it didn't stop. The knife cut the poor mans throat and the dirver fell onto the floor. Frank jumped in the drivers seat and stopped the bus. When he got out of the chair he threw the knife on the ground and said: "Hello miss, I've come to finish what I started". His voice sounded like he was talking under water. It gurgled. He started walking towards Wanda while he was loading the gun. The pillow-sleeve that he had used to silence Wanda was tied around his neck to stop the wound from bleeding. His boots caused loud bangs as he put them to the floor and his face was covered with bloodstains. When he walked half the distance, he stopped. He lay the gun over his shoulder and squeezed the trigger, this time producing a loud BANG! and a lot of smoke. A big hole in the roof showed where the bullet left the bus. Frank smiled. All The Problem members jumped up and yelled, exept for Wanda, who still couldn't say anything. "Quiet!" Frank said. Solution stopped screaming; so did AlcoRhythm. Infinity didn't, partly because he was scared, partly because he had slept with his head on his broken finger. "Quiet!" said Frank again. He aimed the gun at Infinity, but the DJ didn't stop. "AAAAAAAAAH AAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAH!" KLICK KLICK! said the gun; the bullet with the name Infinity on it was ready to go. "Shut the fuck up!" he gurgled. It didn't help, Infinity had temporarly lost his mind, and couldn't calm down. BANG! The scream stopped. The DJ slowly glided out of his chair onto the ground. A big red spot on his chest made it clear that Infinity's bullet succesfully completed its mission. Now Wanda screamed, but Solution stopped her in a reflex by hitting her in the face. BANG! Another hole appeared in the roof, and Frank started walking again. And BANG!!! The glass of the rearwindow broke into a million pieces, and Wanda and Solution dissappeared in a shower of little fake diamonds. AlcoRhythms temper made him go mad. He was furious! BANG! BANG! Frank shot two more holes in the bus. That did it! AlcoRhythm, with Infinity's ripped shirt still around his neck, jumped out of his seat and attacked the approaching gunman. Frank shot him. BANG! AlcoRhythms head dissappeared in a red cloud of blood. Little pieces of his brains flew through the air. The bullet just missed Solutions ear, and left the scene with a wistle. Alcos body fell down in the passage way. Solutions mouth opened to say something, but Frank beat him to it. BANG! BANG! Two more bullets went through Alco, and his body jumped up and down as they past. "W- W-Who a-are y-ou-you...?" Wanda asked. Frank looked at her and answered her question. With every word he squeezed the trigger, and more lead left the bus. "I" BANG! " am " BANG! " your " BANG! " worst " BANG! " nightmare!" BANG! He had planned to say this for a long long time, and now that he did, he felt better than ever. "Who's your boyfriend?" he asked Wanda. "SS-Solution is not my b-boy fffriend." she said. "Oooow gooood, if he was, he'd be dead now!" Frank said. He stepped on Alcos body, continueing his walk towards Wanda and Solution. He also stuffed more bullets into the gun. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but... isn't that the little shit that tried to kill me?" Frank looked at Solution, and Solution looked back. Wanda could feel his body shaking. "Okay boy, why don't you come out of that seat?" Frank said. He waited for a moment, and saw nothing was happening. BANG! "NOW!!!" he screamed. Solution slowly rized. "Gooood." Frank waited another moment to figure out what to do next. Then he said: "Well, I notice you're quite good with knifes... Now, the knife's still there. Go and get it for me." Solution looked at the knife, 18 meters away, next to the drivers' body. Then he started walking towards it. "And nooo tricks kid. I have a gun pointed at the little miss here" Frank said. When Solution reached the knife, he picked it up, and took it to Frank. "Well well... why didn't you try to kill me now?" Frank said with his gun still pointed at Wandas head. "Keep the knife. I want you to cut the little blondes' throat. See if you can do it, you stupid shit. If you don't, I will be forced to start shooting little pieces off your leg. Maybe even her leg..." Frank smiled, and then laughed at Solution. "Come on, we haven't got all night!" he said, aiming the gun at Solutions leg. Then Solution got back a little of his courage. He lifted the knife above his head, and then used every bit of muscle power left in his body to stab Frank. But Franks weapon was faster. BANG! Solutions left leg was completely ripped off from the knee down. His mouth opened widely, but he didn't scream. "Next time I'll shoot some more vital parts off you" Frank raged, "Now start cutting, or you're dead." Solution couldn't cut Wandas throat. Never. And at this point in time, he probably couldn't cut anyones throat, because the pain in his incomplete leg got worse every second. Frank waited, and waited, and then accepted that Solution was not going to do it. "Well, you screwed up man!" he yelled. Solution dropped the knife, and then dropped himself. He didn't loose conciousness, he just couldn't stand anymore. Frank got hold of his hair, and pulled him to his foot. Then he looked outside, through the broken rear window. Frank dragged Solution to it. He roughly pushed him out the window. Solution landed on the ground behind the bus. Then Frank walked over to the drivers seat and sat down. "Put it in reverse..." he thought "put it in reverse and..." The engine of the bus started and Solution tried to get away. But his leg wasn't a big help. There was no way he would be abled to walk, and get away in time. He realized that, and stopped his attempts. "What will happen to Wanda?" he thought and then the wheels of the bus started spinning. Solution smelled the smell of burning rubber. Then, when the whole scene was covered with smoke, the bus stormed backwards... Wanda heared the cracking sound beneath her. The right side of the bus hobbled up and down once and then the bus stopped again. Frank looked out the front window for a moment and then jumped out of his seat. He took his gun and aimed it at Wanda. His finger sqeezed the trigger and a bullet left the gun. BANG! Wanda actually SAW the bullet closing in. She could hear her own voice scream... C13 "At Last..." ---------------- Chapter 13 : At Last... Wanda didn't stop screaming, not even when she realized that the bullet should have reached her by now. Her screaming got even worse, when she felt someone embracing her, saying "Ssssssst, it's all right..." Then, when she needed to stop screaming for a second to get some air, she realized that the voice she heared was not the Killer's. Slowly her eyes opened, and when she saw Solutions face, she started to scream again. Solution alomost panicked. He'd never dealt with so much fear. The girl in his lap was screaming, and whatever he tried to do, it didn't help. "That must have been one hell of a dream" he said to himself. Wanda heard it, and thought: "My god! That explaines it! The're all alive, nobody dead. It's all a dream!" She stopped screaming, and continued her philosophy: "No killer! No hospital, no dead driver, no gun. No cracking sound! A nightmare! That's all." She opened her eyes again and looked around. The bus had stopped moving, and the driver was talking to AlcoRhythm about something. The DJ, with a worried look on his face asked Wanda if she was okay. "Yeah", she whispered, "I had a nightmare." She wanted to get on her feet, but noticed that the broken leg was real. "How much of this was a dream then?" she asked herself and then she saw that she was wrapped in a hospital blanket. "O no! It wasn't a dream. He's real..." she thought. Then she asked Solution: "Why have we stopped?" "We're home Wanda. We made it, no police!" Solution said. The DJ took Wanda from his lap, and carried her outside. Solution and AlcoRhythm thanked the driver and got out of the bus too. AlcoRhythm opened HQ's door and said: "The Problem HQ is now open to the audience!" Everyone smiled and then entered. "Wanda can stay here, at HQ" AlcoRhythm said, as he opened a bottle of coke "But I'm not sure where...". "Well, not in YOUR bed! That's for sure!" Infinity said. Solution and Infinity laughed loudly, but AlcoRhythm and Wanda didn't think it was worth it. In fact: both were too tired to think about wether it was funny or not. "Can I take a shower?" Wanda whispered. Nobody heared, with Solution and The DJ still laughing. "Please. I feel awful" she said. She couldn't get through. Solution made everything worse by saying something even funnier than Infinity. Wanda put her hands to her face and cried. AlcoRhythm saw what was happening now, and tried to save the situation. "SSSST!" he said "what did you want to say Wanda?" Wanda dried her eyes, but new tears appeared. She didn't anwer the question. This had been the roughest day in her life, and nobody cared enough to listen. She wanted to sleep, and never see another human being again. After a moment of silence she got out of the chair, stumbled to a door, opened it and discovered two other doors. Nobody said anything, as Wanda opened another door. When she wanted to step inside, she realized that she opened the wrong one, and she closed it again. Nobody in the room dared to laugh, not even smile. Wanda opened the other door and found the toilet. She stepped in, locked the door, sat down and cried until she fell a sleep. Finally... C14 "The next morning..." ------------------------- Chapter 14 : The next morning... The Problem all spent the night at HQ, and were now gathering in front of the toilet. Somebody nocked at the door. No response. Another knock, still nothing. "I think she's dead..." Solution said, and Wanda couldn't hold her breath any longer. A quick short laugh sounded from the other side of the door, and then she said "No I'm not." "Well, would you mind using a chair to sit on today. We really need to use the toilet for something a little less relaxing" AlcoRhythm said, praying that he didn't say the wrong thing. He hadn't, as he heared Wanda laugh again, very short and very soft. Then the door opened but Wanda didn't get off the toilet. Her legs didn't do anything. Off duty! She had been sitting there all night, and her bloodstream had a Problem with that. Solution took the honours and lifted her from the toilet. As soon as he got out, Alco moved in. "Hurry!" yelled Infinity, already banging the door again. Solution put Wanda in a chair, and then helped Infinity with his 'Get-AlcoRhythm-From-The-Toilet-Action'. When finally everyone made his donation to the sewers, and they had made a quick breakfast, the phone rang. "I'll take it!" said Solution, and he did! "Hello, Solution here!" "Hello sir. This is your phonecompany. Would you mind answering a few questions for me?" "Well, if the're not too hard..." "I don't think it is the apropiate time for jokes sir!" "Oh, sorry." "We were quite surpriced to see your phonebill rising skyhigh in one month sir. Actually it multiplied itself by ten, compared to your normal phonebills. More surprizingly this was all caused by one single phonecall to a Special Service phone number. Now, normally that's no problem, but we looked a little further, and found out that you've never called such a number before in your entire carreer as a phone owner! Can you explain sir, and can you pay? Do we have to disconnect you? What's happening? Is there anyone else that uses your phone? Is your phone working properly? Sir? "Well... I'm still thinking. Eeeeeeum. The anweres are... Yes, Maybe, NO!, A little misunderstanding, No and Yes. Will that be all? "Sir, I notice we have a little communications problem. I will send someone to your house if you don't pay the bills in time! See who gets the good laughs! Ha!" Click, beeep beeep beeep beeep beeep "Ha!" Click "Who was that?" AlcoRhythm asked. "Ooooo, someone who wanted to ask some questions. I think he was some religious freak..." "Oh. Happens all the time." "No, actually, it was the phonecompany, saying that HQ's bills are a bit higher than normal." Infinity: "Hahaha! That's what you get for calling Wanda!" Alco : "There's nothing funny about it! Remember? Parents and all that?" Infinity: "Yeah, well, not MY parents!" Solution: "I thought we agreed to split the phonebills of headquarters!" Infinity: "Not if you use the HQ phone to do things like this!" Solution: "Oh No?? Well then you shouldn't even be here!" Infinity: "I don't even want to be here anymore! I am leaving!" Alco : "STOP THAT!!! We are in enough trouble already. Infinity payes too, and so do we. Subject closed!" Infinity: "OOOOO! Right, since when do you make up your mind FOR me?!?" Alco : "SHUT UP!!!" Wanda, from the other room: "Yeah, SHUT UP! Shut the FUCK up! Goddamned! I want to take a fucking Shower. NOW!" The boys looked at each other in amazement. "She's pissed", Infinity whispered. "Big surprise, she's been raped" Alco answered. "I'll take her to the showers" Solution said. He walked over to where Wanda was sitting and took her from the chair. "I'm sorry" Wanda whispered, and she started crying again. Solution started up the stairs and said: "Never mind, it's okay". When he reached the bathroom Wanda said: "Leave me here, you're not joyning me." "I know that!" Solution said, smiling. "Yeah, well, just in case" Wanda said, also smiling through her tears. C15 "Several weeks later..." ---------------------------- Chapter 15 : Several weeks later... Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Baf! BAF! BONK BONK BONKABONK!!! "Hey! Open up will you?!?". CSilla knew there was somebody at home, because there was some absolutely wonderful music coming out of a window at the second floor: "Wanda? Is there a mechanic in town? OWHEHEHEYAPAPA!!!" CSilla didn't know that this was the soon-to-be-famous Wanda track by The Problem in it's Beta-version! She decided to hit the door a little harder: WONK BAF BADOING!!! DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG! She was completely startled by Infinity as he openend the door. "Gulp! You scared me!!! Don't you EVER do that again!" The DJ didn't hear it, 'cos he was in his trance again! "WOW!" he thought! "This must be family to Wanda!!! "Hey Mister! Could you come down here for a minute? Hello? HELLO?!?" "Huh huh? What? Oh, I'm sorry... What do you want?" "I'm from the phonecompany! My name is CSilla." The DJ felt his stomach turn! "Oh no! The phonecompany!" "I don't have the money!!! Neither have my friends!" "Oh yeah? And what about that fortune there on the table?" "That's not ours!" "So you are stealing too huh? I know a troublemaker when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now!!!" The others, who had come down, listened to this conversation in awe! "Look," said Wanda "Take my money! I can't use it anyway!" So The Problem started loading all the money into the small van in which CSilla had come and that was soon filled to the brim with little green notes... "Would you like to come in for a cuppa?" offered Solution. "Well... Since you ask so nicely... Don't mind if I do!" CSilla went in the house where AlcoRhythm had already made some coffee. It tasted disgusting but nobody said anything about it because they where afraid to hurt Alcos feelings... "Your voice is disgusting eeeuh beautiful" said Infinity to CSilla. He got a weird look from Wanda as he said that. "Thank you... eeuh mister.." "Infinity! And he is called Solution and that bozo over there with the scar in his neck is AlcoRhythm. The beautiful woman in the chair is Wanda and we are: The Problem, Woewie!!!!" "Quit crapping Infinity" returned Solution who had been entranced by CSillas voice aswell as her hair. "Wow!" he thought, "Never knew they made hair so pretty these days..." "Like it?" asked CSilla who had noticed him looking at her hair. "I just had them lengthened, now they go all the way down... Just kidding! Do you like my curls? I use Panth&Shoulders with vitamine XYZ+!!! It really works! And look at that shine!" "Get on with it CSilla!" said Jesus who was replacing God because of his Holiday! And she did... or rather Solution did! "They are beautiful! Can I touch them?" "Well..." But Solution was already over to where she was sitting and playing with her curls before she had finished her sentence. "How's life in the telephone bizz?" the DJ asked in order to get the conversation going again. "Pretty good! With all those chat-boxes popping up, business is booming!" "Listen..." Alco was getting all worked up now...."Do you want to become a member of The Problem aswell?" It was out before he knew it! "Hahaha! Could be fun, but I don't know. I'll call you when I made up my mind about that. Okay?" "Fine..." said AlcoRhythm a little bit disappointed. "Well, I have to be going now. Work to do! You guys are not the only ones who don't pay their phonebills in time." "Okay, call us soon!" said Solution, who couldn't let go of CSillas hair. "Would you mind..." CSilla said. "Oh... O Yeah okay, sorry" And Solution let go... C16 "The Partynight" -------------------- Chapter 16 : The Partynight "My God! We've created a Masterpiece!!!" yelled Alco as he saved the module they had named: 'Wanda'. "We sure did! We're going to get rich and famous and stuff!" DING DONG BANG BONK KABOOM BENG!!! "Door's open!" "Oh Sorry! Well I'm back..." "So you you are. Welcome back CSilla! Have you decided?" "As a matter of fact I did!" "Well... What did you decide???" "I decided I'll quit smoking, and join The Problem." " said Wanda angrily with her mouth full of Bugles. "What?" "Nothing" "What's that you're eating Wanda?" "O nothing..." said Wanda, quickly putting the bag-o-Bugles away. "Okay, fine. What you guys doin' ?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "What are you doing?" "We make music. Music is our life, we where born to be bad and to make music." explained AlcoRhythm with enthusiasm. "That's nice, but I knew that already." said CSilla. "We eat Bugles!?" said Wanda. "I saw that..." "We watch TV and videos..." Solution tried. "Ah, I like watching TV. It gives you something to do he?!" "Yeah, it's good fun! It's like, you know, I mean... ain't it?" said AlcoRhythm, trying to be extremely funny. Everybody in the room looked at him, nobody in the room laughed. "Right..." said Solution, and the whole room started to laugh. Alco scratched his head as he was trying to figure out why Solutions silly way of saying 'Right...' was funnier than his speech. When everybody finished laughing, CSilla asked: "Can I hear some of your music?" Infinity replied: "Some of our music? No!" "Why not???" asked AlcoRhythm. "We only made one track!" said Infinity, already whiping his tears from laughter. "I don't get it." Alco said, who was now seriously doubting if he had a sense of humour. "You can hear all of our music, not some of it! Here goes:..." Solution pressed the PLAY button on the screen and Wanda (original mix) started scrolling up. Everyone was quiet for over 6 minutes and then, when the last note rolled off the screen, CSilla said nothing. And about ten minutes later she suddenly she moved a millimeter to her right and continued saying nothing. All the others looked at her as if she was a ghost. Then the ghost said: "Wow..." Nobody said anything, because they where expecting a little more from CSilla. "Wow..." she said. "You already said that" Wanda said. "Wow..." "Will you stop that! What do you think about the music. What about my vocal prefrom... eeu perfrom... eeum I mean singing?" Wanda said, feeling a bit angry. "Wow..." CSilla said, meaning every word of it. "Pfffff, women!" Wanda said. The boys looked at her, with their mouths open. "I mean..." But then CSilla started to laugh and when she regained control over her voice again she yelled: "HooooooWeeeee! This is great! You guys should keep doing this. Wow..." "Please, don't say that wow thing every time!" "Sorry, I won't, wow..." Then Wanda walked out of the room and shut the door. "What's with her?" "Dunno..." "Wow..." "Hey, stop that!" "Okay" Wanda re-entered the room: "Sorry, my bag was empty!" she said, cheerfully showing her brandnew full bag of Bugles. "Okay now: Let's celebrate! It's Partynight tonight!" AlcoRhythm said, and he turned on the radio. There was no dance-music though; a very dull voice spoke: "This is the 538 Partynight!" Then there was dance-music... The next morning at seven the Partynight ended. Wanda was laying in a corner, completely stuffed with Bugles. AlcoRhythm was asleep on the table. Solution was still standing, and CSilla was watching him to see when he would fall down. But Solution decided that now was not the time to fall. First he had to turn off the radio, which meant that he actually had to walk! One of his feet slowly raised and succesfully landed about 2 centimeters further. This went on for a conciderable amount of time until he was close enough to the radio in his opinion. He dropped himself, streching his arms out to the radio. His fingeres just missed the powerbutton, so he went for the volume slider. It was a succes: all of a sudden the sound was gone, and Solution lay on the ground: sleeping. "Well..." CSilla thought, "if that's it..." and she too fell asleep. This had been a major party! C17 "More bugles..." -------------------- Chapter 17: More bugles... About one day (23.7445 hours) later Wanda opened her eyes. She looked around, and saw that all the others where still sleeping. She looked around again, and found an almost empty bag of Bugles. Her hands where trembling, so she had some trouble picking it up, but when she finally got hold of it she ate all that was left in it in a fraction of a second. Immediately she started to look for more. There weren't any... Wanda noticed that she was starting to sweat, and she felt an extatic need for more Bugles. AlcoRhythm opened his eyes now, and went through the same procedure of looking around to see where he was, and whom he was with, and what the others where doing. He saw Wanda, with a very tense look on her face, rapidly rushing her eyes through the room. He waited to see when her eyes would look at him. But they didn't, she was looking for something more important than him. "Ahum..." he said. Wanda said nothing, and kept searching. "Wanda?" AlcoRhythm tried. Nothing. "Hello-o...". Still nothing... "HAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! YOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! HULOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOO!!!" Wanda suddenly left the ground for a second, and landed roughly back on to it. Her eyes where wide open, and she was trembling all over. Still she said nothing. Her hands got hold of her T-Shirt and anxiously started to wringle it. AlcoRhythm got a little scared now: "Wanda? I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, o-or anything." Wanda did not reply, instead she trembled a little harder. "Something's wrong" Alco said, "Infinity, Solution, CSilla WAKE UP! Something's wrong with Wanda!" Infinity immediately reacted to the situation and said "Mmmmhphfffff Mmmm Mhhmmmm..." and then he went back to sleep. CSilla didn't say "Mmmmhphfffff Mmmm Mhhmmmm...", no she said nothing. Her eyes stayed closed, and she didn't move. She was still asleep. Solution didn't move either... "CSILLAAAAAAA" AlcoRhythm yelled. Again, she didn't say "Mmmmhphfffff Mmmm Mhhmmmm...", but she did open her eyes now. She too looked around, wondering who was who and where and stuff. Then she saw Wanda and AlcoRhythm. AlcoRhythm was now trying to crawl towards Wanda. With every inch he moved though, Wanda moved away from him. Wanda looked as if she was incredibly afraid of AlcoRhythm. Then CSilla realized what was going on. She jumped to her feet, leapt over to Alco and kicked his butt as hard as she could. "You filthy, lowlife scum!!!!" she yelled. "Who do you think you are?!? Huh!?! Damned, I'll kill you!" AlcoRhythm didn't know what hit him, and didn't know why it hit him. "Wo-Why'd you do tha..." But CSilla had already kicked again. "If you want to stay in one piece, I suggest that you shut up, and stay away from Wanda!" "But... AUAUAUAUW! I only tried t.. AUAUAUUW AUUAUUW to help her!" "HELP HER??? With what? Getting pregnant?!" "What are you AUAUAUUW talking about AUAUAUUAUAUAUW?" "Don't give me that innocense crap! You got some nerves mister. First you kidnap a woman from her work, then you get her raped in a hospital, and then you try to finish it off at home?!! Here TAKE THIS!!!" "AUAUAUAUW! But I AUAUAUAUAUW didn't do a AUAUAUAUAUW thing AUAUAUW!" "Then why the hell is Wanda so afraid of you huh?" "I don't know AUAUAUW! Ask her!" "#°®©$% "AUUUAUAUUW!" C18 "Filthy animals..." ----------------------- Chapter 18: Filthy animals... CSilla walked towards Wanda. Wanda crept away. "Wanda? It's only me!" Then Infinity opened his eyes. He looked the situation over and couldn't come up with an explanation. So he asked CSilla: "Hey, what's with Alco. What's with Wanda?" "Shut up DJ!", AlcoRhythm said, "and don't believe a word she says" CSilla went back to AlcoRhythm to kick him. "AUAUAUAUAUAUW!" She said: "This filthy creature you call AlcoRhythm is in fact a rapist, and he tried to rape Wanda!!!" "But that's impossible!" Infinity said. "AUAUAUAUAUAUW!" Alco said. "Yeah well, believe it. Wanda doesn't even want to talk to ME anymore. She's afraid of everyone!" "I still find it very hard to believe you..." said Infinity. Then Wanda screamed as hard as she could possibly scream without damaging her own hearing: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FRANK DID IT! FRANK DID IT!!! FRANK! NOT HIM!!!" Immediately Solution woke up too! "Yikes!" he shouted "What was that?" Then he saw Wanda with her finger pointing straight at AlcoRhythm who was just about to say "AUAUAUW!" when Wanda started to scream. The finger remained there, pointing in his direction and Wanda was again silent. Her eyes where still filled with fear, and where still wide open. "You filth!" yelled Solution to Alcorhythm. "You....you...I would have never suspected anything like that from you! Take THIS!" And Alcorhythm got another kick in the butt. "WAAAAAAAAAUHHHHUAW!" "NO! STOP THAT!!!" screamed the rest. "He hasn't done a thing!" "What's with Wanda anyway? She looks so weird..." It was Solution who spoke up. "Her eyes..Look at her eyes!!! They are all....all glazy!" Infinity was the first to notice the bag-o-bugles in her hand. "The..the...BUGLES?!?? Naaaah, it couldn't be!" Wanda jumped at the word Bugles. "It is the bugles!" "Aaaaaaah....aaaaaah OOOOoooowww! Bu...bu...bugles...BUGLES....YEAAAAAAAAAH! More! More!!!" "I've seen this lots of times, but then with DRUGS!" it was CSilla. "I used to help out in one of these centres that help you to kick the habit so to say...". "But then she must be addicted to Bugles! From to looks of it I'd say she's really physically addicted!". "Thank GOD there are no more in the house!" after Infinity had said this, Wanda started to weep: "NO Bugles! Waaaaaaaah! Weeeeeng! Woehoe! Snork!" Desperately she started to bang the floor with her fists and after that, she started banging Alcorhythm, CSilla and the rest, who where not amused... "We've got to get her into that centre of yours, CSilla!" said Solution. "Yeah! Before I'm totally kicked blue!" Alcorhythm was getting blue already and he had had enough of that! "She's asleep." said Infinity who went to check up on her. "OK! It ain't nice, but we've got to do it now, before it's too late..." suggested CSilla "Next she will probably start to shiver all over....That's NOT a good sign, LET'S MOVE!". They all helped to load Wanda into the Problem Promotion Van and then they drove off to the Neverlands Drug Addiction Institute. There was plenty money left from the "Wanda" story after they had paid the phonebill, so The Problem where able to get their hands on quite a fast little van so they got there in a little while. C19 "At the centre..." ---------------------- Chapter 19: At the centre... "Aaaah! So good to see you CSilla! How you've grown!" "Nice to see you to Dr. Steinberg" In the small hallway was a man in his late fifties wearing jeans and a T-shirt. "No long white coats 'n stuff?" asked Alcorhythm. "Noooo, it tends to make the patients feel rather uneasy!" "Oh, sorry I haven't even introduced them!" said CSilla. They all shook hands except for Solution because he carried Wanda. "Why have you been carrying her for the last 10 chapters or so?" "Dunno, just did...." "Oh, never mind!" said Infinity. "Now, what seems to be the problem?" "We are!" said Alcorhythm trying to be funny..."Shut up! It's her, Wanda, she's addicted!" Solution said with a sigh. "To what? Cocaine? Heroine? Hash? XTC? Sniffing glue?" "Not really...She seems to be addicted to eeeerm...bugles..." "What? Bugles? What's that? Never heard of it! Is it Opium-based?" "It's a savoury snack...We've got a bag with us...Don't tell her or she will go mad! We eat them all, but we're not addicted in any way..." "Strange...I'll keep her under observation! Don't worry 'bout her!" They all said goodbye to the sleeping Wanda, told the docter they would be back tomorrow, and left. C20 "Talk" ---------- Chapter 20: Talk (®+© 1994, by The Problem (TM)) "Well, this will be your room for the next few weeks, miss." said the Doctor with a big smile on his face. Wanda said: "Zzzz" (she was still asleep.) "Right, that's what I said!" said the cheery Doctor. After he had closed the luxaflex of Wandas new 'appartment' he left her alone, to talk to a collegue. "Hey, Fred!" "Don't call me that, in front of everybody!" "What?" "Fred!" "Oh! Sorry, Fred, but seriously: what do you have on eeum Buels" "Buels?" "Yeah, something like that, Buels, Bugles, I don't know. I do know that You can eat them." "Why me?" "Huh?" "Yeah why me?" "I don't get it..." "Why did you say that I, ME!, can eat them?" "Everybody can! What the hell are you trying to tell me Fred!?" "Oooow you.. you... silly sausage!" "Mmmm, I'll go talk to someone else. Maybe a chair or something, they make more sence than you. FRED!!!" "He Helmut" "Mya Steinberg?" "Do you know something ab.." "NO!" "NO?" "About what?" "That was what I was about to explain to you!" "Well then, what are you waiting for?" "For you to start listening!" "I'm listening..." "What do you know ab.." "You already said that Steinberg!" "..out Bugles, Buels, or something like that?!" "Nothing! Is it a drug?" "No it's a snack!" "Schnek?!? kenn ich nicht!" "Huh?" "$" "You sound like a turkish radiostation man. Get a grip! Are you on to something?" "Nein! What are you thinking mann!" "I'll go talk to someone else. A table maybe. One that doesn't say 'Made in Germany!!!" "Hee Mario!" "Haaa dee Steinbergo!" "Yeah right, what a bunch of nuttcases!" "Nuttcases?" "O No!!! Not again!" "What?" "SHUT UP! I'll go talk to someone else!" "Thatsa fine witha me... Maybe you should a trya mister Smith! He knows a lot about snacks..." "How did you know that Mario?" "What??" "Don't EVER say that again, will you?!" "What???" "Oooow SCREW YOU!!!" "Yo Mister Smiths!" "Yo! Schweinberg!" "Steinberg... What do you know about Bugles, Buels or something?" "Yo man, those things are like terribly addictive snacks. Why do you ask?" "We got a patient (quite nice looking one I might add) and she is completely addicted to those things. I mean REALLY addicted! She's quite an ill lady, only for the reason that she couldn't get her share of Bugles, Buels, or something in time!" "Like, Yo man, they're called Bugles. They're invented by a very fat lady, called Mama. According to this woman the chemical formula for Bugles is highly classified, yet she says that 'Its-a-simple...' The chemical formula involoves corn I think! Yo man, didn't believe it my self you know... The Formula is hidden somewhere at a very safe place man! And I was jokin'bout the addictiveness of those thingies! They're just incredibly tasty! But I've never heard of a real addiction before, dude. Have you ever tasted one? Schweinberg?" "Mmmm...", Steinberg said, while scratching his ear. "Steinberg?" "Mmmm?" "Have you ever tasted one?" "Mmm-mm." "Why not? Yo man, You should!" "Mmm" "Promise?" "I have to go... I have to go home! Jezus I've got to get home!" "Yo Schweinberg you're wierd!" C21 "Steinberg, James Steinberg." --------------------------------- Chapter 21: Steinberg, James Steinberg. Books where flying across the shadowy room. Clouds of dust came from where the doctor was rushing through his bookcase. He roughly threw aside the books he wasn't looking for and soon the room was filled with books and dust, and the bookcase was empty. Steinberg looked around and scratched his ear again. After some time he started to knock gently at the inside of the bookcase. Slowly he moved from left to right. When he reached the midle, the sound of his knocks against the wood, made it clear that there was room behind the bookcase. Nervously the doctor examened the room again. Little drops of sweat fell from his face onto the floor of the room Then he found what he was looking for. An axe. Two seconds later the axe hit the bookcase. There was now a big hole where the bookcase used to be. In the hole was... The Axe! Also there was a leather-covered map. Steinberg took it out and opened it. What he discovered was a map (the kind on wich land is drawn!). On this was a red mark. He whiped some books off a table and started to examine the map with a loupe. He watched the map for hours to find out what the red mark meant. The map looked very old, so the image was a bit fuzzy. The red mark however was remarkebly clear. About 5 hours later he revealed the secret! The meaning of the red mark was simple. It had been put there to indicated where the map had been hidden, namely: in the 'used-to-be-bookcase'. This was a bit if a disapointment for the doctor. He slammed his fist on the table and yelled: "Darned! Bogus..." He then turned the map over to see what was on the other side, just to have something else to look at. What he saw was text. The text said: " RED MARK : Location of this map. Black Circle: Location of Formula. " The doctor now turned red. About as red as the red mark on the map. After that he started to look for a black circle and he found it. C22 "Black? What do you mean?" ------------------------------ Chapter 22: Black? What do you mean? On the map before him he had found the black mark. It was in the top left corner of the huge map! And indeed! The map was of this gigantic house he had inherited from his father, Heinz. After wandering for hours through this humongus place (he actually found rooms he had never been into before!) he stopped by at the kitchen to rest. He began to think: What was there with my mother? Oh yes! She came from Mexico...And she was the one who invented the damn bugles...And she didn't recognise commercial possibilities of the things! Mmmm She must have met Heinz during the mexican civil war. Of course! He was the one who sold the formula to Smiths and that is why he could afford this house! But why has he never told me what happened to my mother? Damn! He is dead now, so he won't be able to tell much now...OK! Let's continue the search! After yet more hours of frantic metalbashing and hamerblows he went to the toilet to have a shit. While shitting he looked at the map again...He had had it upside down!!! Aaah! He was infact sitting right on top of the black mark! He wiped his butt and without even so much as pulling his pants up, he rushed to the toolshed, tripping several time over his trousers. And there it was: THE WRENCH!!! He grabbed it and made his way back to the restroom. Without wasting time, he.........pulled up his trousers. And then he... VICIOUSLY STARTED TO WRECK THE TOILET! After half an hour's work the toilet was GONE! Chrushed to pieces, torn into tiny bits, in His mercy! Amen! He was looking at a large brown hole in the floor. He donned himself some gloves and a mouthmask (he was a doctor after all, plus the fact that he still believed that you could get Aids by sitting on dirty toilets) and started soaping them in. Suddenly the soap flipped out of his fingers and into the air! With several energetic moves not commonly associated with old people being in their late 60's, he tried to grab it, but missed...once, twice.....yes! He had it....not! It slipped away again and fell onto the floor. The doctor was getting dizzy of all the superb foot-work he had been showing and lost his balance. In doing so he stepped on the soap making his downfall even faster. While falling he had one bright moment. He grabbed the cord of the toilet. To bad! He fell straight into the brownhole he had just uncovered. To make this worse, the flush of the toilet made him go down into a strange and alien network of plumbing. C23 "Awakening" --------------- Chapter 23: Awakening The room was white, and very clean. The bed looked familiar to Wanda. She was cold, trembling all over. Her lips where dried out. She turned her head over to the right and saw a wall. This wall was covered with lots of pictures. They were photographs of ex-patients, but Wanda didn't know that. The biggest picture showed a guy with lots of grease in his hair. Next to this man was a woman in a white coat, who looked very familiar to Wanda. In the left top corner was a little sticker with the names Herman and CSilla on it. "CSilla... CSillaaa I know that name from somewhere." Wanda thought, but she couldn't remember, so she moved on to the next picture. This one was smaller, and looked very old. It was a picture of a young woman with some flowers in her hands. It didn't mean anything to Wanda, so she moved on. Then there was a picture wich couldn't have been there long. It was shiny, very clear and it showed a man. The man was tall, and wore an eyepatch. In his hands he was holding a pair of sunglasses. Wanda recognized him. She wanted to scream but couldn't. Her throat felt like sandpaper, just like the previous time she had seen this man. A sticker on the tip left of the picture had only one little word on it, but it was the most terrible word Wanda had ever seen. The word was a name, the name was... Frank. All she wanted now, was to get out of this place, whatever it was... C25 "Indiana Steinberg..." -------------------------- Chapter 25: Indiana Steinberg... When Steinberg opened his eyes, he was inside a large cave, with lots of stalactites (or stalagmites, Steinberg couldn't remember...) It was remarkably light inside this cave, as if someone had installed some tube-lights. He checked, but they weren't there. Perhaps some fluorescent type of rock or something. "WOW!" he said aloud. "WOW! What a cave! I bet my boobies that Ma knew what she was doing when she built this house!" (Steinberg was obviously still very confused, because he HAS NO BOOBIES!) "Talking about boobies, I've got to beware of boobie-traps! I'm sure Ma learned some tricks that Dad pick up in the war!" He stepped towards a stalag...stalac...OH! NEVER MIND! thingie, and fell into a hole. "Jesus!" Ma really was good at making traps! Inside the hole was a skeleton. "Nice cliche! Well anyway..." The bones had a note next to them. He picked it up and put it in his pocket. "Now...to get out!" Luckily for him, he still had the flush-cord of the toilet with him. He recalled seeing some sort of survival-type of movie where the hero got out using a whip. He tried to do the same with the cord, and after repeatedly having mutilated himself by failed whiplashes, he succeeded in whipping the rope around stalagmite next to the hole and climbed out. "PFEEUW! That was a close one!" he thought looking at the skeleton that was lying inside the deep hole he had just crawled out of. He looked kinda familiar...It was HUGE and it had a few clothes on...They had lots of glitter on them. Its pelvis was expectionally big! It's kneebone was connected to the thybone, it's thybone was connected to the hipbone it's hipbone was connected to the backb#*?³½&!!#$%GET ON WITH IT!!! said God who had returned for his holiday. God was in a pretty foul mood today, because his holiday had been very rainy indeed! "Pwah! Seventh heaven is not what it used to be!!!!" he mumbled almost unhearable. "Now you writers quit excrementing or else I will come down on this soap-series like a ton of bricks!!!" "Aaaaah....alright...." "GOOD! Now get on with it, 'cause I'm far to curious as to what is going to happen next!" God disappeared into thin air leaving the storyboard blank. "Perhaps it's in the note..." the doctor thought. He fished the note out of his pocket and started reading: I, Elvis Presly ah ha ha, being of sane mind and body do hereby declare that I am as good as dead! I'm not somewhere in South America nor on Mars, I am ah ha ha inside thiiiiiiiiiiiiis hohohole yeaheah! Because I can see now way out, I have to diiiiiiiie hehehere. This is also my last will and testament. I leave everything I own to Bugles Anonymous. They are the only ones who understood my total dependance on Bugles. Beware of these crispy corn snacks especially in the picantaco flavouoohooor! They make you very fat! Goodbyeee, ah ha ha! "Boy, he sure is fat!" Steinberg said this aloud, and his voice bounced off the cavewalls causing lots of echoes. C26 "It's.... THEM!" -------------------- Chapter 26: It's.... THEM! Steinberg looked around him and saw three possible exits, and one impossible one. He chose the one that was on the right side next to the one that lay left of the one he chose. God was puzzled. The doctor walked for ten minutes, and found himself back where he started. He came out of the one that one the left side of the one on the right side next to the one that lay left of the one he had chosen first. In short, there was only one possible exit to chose now, and so he did. After walking through it for a few minutes he dicovered nothing, so he walked on. The old man was getting pretty tired of all this walking about the cave, and just when he decided that he needed a rest, he found a cage. Inside where an ugly boy and a girl. They looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite get his finger on their names. The boy spoke: "Hallo? Can U Get Us Out Of Here?" "What a terrible accent", the doctor thought to himself. "Maybe... naaah! It couldn't be." "Sure, but how?" "I Saw A Keything On Top Of Tha Stalagthingie Ova There!" "Let me see..." The doctor climbed up the stalagthingie and took the key. While climbing down he asked "You guys look so familiar" "Ofcource You Know Us! Everybody Does! We R Famous!" The doctor reached the cage and put the key in the lock. just when he was ready to turn the key his heart skipped a beat, and he yelled: "O my God, this can't be true! Your hair! Is it really you... Ray, Anita?" "Yeah Man! And Together We Are 2 Unlimited! Now Please Get Us Out Of Here!" "AAAAAAAAAARGH" the doctor said, as he threw away the key as far as possible. "AAAAAAARGH" he said again. "And to think I almost let them out!", Steinberg thought while he ran away. C27 "Exodus..." --------------- Chapter 27: Exodus... A man came in the room. He smiled at Wanda and said hello. "Hello Wanda, I am Joe! I am going to take care of you during your stay in this hospital." "Get me out of here!" "Slow down, you just came in. What's the hurry?" "Get Me OUT of this place!" "Ssst, you scare other patients doing that! Listen, you are suffering from quite a rare form of addiction. It seems that if you don't get your share of Bugles every day, you start to feel sick and scared." "Bugles... Frank! Frank! Frank!" "Frank? Is that a friend of yours?" "No, I don't know, I feel funny. What is your name kid?" "Joe, I just told you that. Do you know what day it is?" "Which can I choose from? Who the hell is CSilla anyway...?" "Wait, I need to get some help here." Joe was a little frustrated by now. His patient seemed quite out of this world. He went to see Fred. Fred was in his office eating some health food. He had put his feet on the table and while eating he was reading a small note. Joe came in and said: "Hello Fred!" "Fred almost choked on his food and yelled: "Don't call me that in front of everybody!!" "Why? Fred! FRED! O MY GOD! It's FRED! FRED IS HERE!...... see, nobody cares..." "Grrr! You watch to many movies, what do you want?" "I was having some trouble with that new patient. You know, that blond from room 203..." "O yes! The one with the snackproblem! I was just reading this note I found in the files. It seems that this Bugels stuff can really do a lot of harm when you're sensitive to them." "Yeah well, right now she doesn't make any sense. I can't get one serious word out of her. She's really out..." "Mmmm. I'll walk with you when I'm finished eating. Just wait here..." Wanda was already out of the bed, searching for a way out of the hospital. She walked towards the door and tried if it was open. It was, so she walked out of the room. Joe left it open, knowing that Wanda was in no condition to leave the bed. The first door in the hall she was standing, was the door to the supplies room. She opened it and looked around in the room. A lot of clothes, sheets and cleaning tools. "Clothes...." Wanda thought. She slowly undressed herself while her eyes where scanning the shelves for something she could use. When she reached the end of the shelve, she saw nurses outfit, laying in front of her. She dressed up in it and started looking around the room again. In the back was another door and when she opened it she saw food. Nothing but food, everywhere the eye could see. Wanda grabbed as much as she could from all the shelves around her and then she turned around and ran. In the hall she bumped into a doctor and she fell. The doctor tried to help her, but she got up by herself and ran away again. She took a left turn at the end of the hall and stopped. She saw Joe coming out of a room, with a man that who was holding a piece of paper. Wanda jumped aside, into a room. This time it was a patient's room. "Hello, nurse?" said a weak male voice. "Yes, It's me. How are you feeling today sir?" Wanda said, as she closed the door. "I am fine, thanks." Wanda heared Joe and his company pass. "Nurse?" said the patient. "Yes" nurse Wanda answered. "I think I just wet my bed..." said the patient. "You what?" "I urinated in the bed..." "Well, tough luck! I hope you drown in it!". Wanda opened the door and saw that Joe was gone. She now ran through the hall and out of the hospital, right into the hands of one of the security people. "Well, well, miss Wanda! Where are you going. And why this outfit and all the food?" Wanda looked at the man and kissed him. The man let go of Wanda, and his eyes got very big. Before he realized it, Wanda was gone. C28 "The key, the secret..." ---------------------------- Chapter 28: The key, the secret... The doctor made his way through the tunnelsystem. Several famous persons and persons who the producers ment to become famous, lay dead on his track. Most of them didn't pose any trouble at all for good 'oll Steinberg. Except for the three odd humongous skeletons that now blocked his path. "Allah!" "Hey you!!!" said God to Steinberg "What about me huh?! Am I just supposed to sit here on a cloud all day doing nothing? If I don't get a part in this I'll get violent!!!" "Sod off!" said Steinberg "I'm in the middle of a soliloquy! Now where was I? Oh yeah! Allah!...." "GRRR!!!" At that moment the whole cave started to shake. Stalacthingies broke like twigs and stones where turned upside down like cards in a game of memory. After 34.56483 seconds everything stopped. Steinberg was hiding under a overhanging rock, thinking he died and gone to hell. Luckily for him, hellgate was closed on sabbath so he had to come up again and face the danger. So anyway...He looked up and found the big carcasses ("Hey! It's the Fat Boys!!!") to have been utterly smashed by the falling rocks. Now a new problem arose. Instead of a wall of bones, there now was a wall of rocks. One of the half smashed bones was sticking out. "Wiggle it, just a little bit" he sung while he used he bone as a lever. "Come on let's twist again like we did last summer...". Stones tumbled, rocks rocked and the earth shuddered. Sweat was pouring down his face at 3 m/s and sand and bonefragments where clinging to his body. "Finally! A breakthrough!" Just as the doctor was climbing over the rocks to go through the hole he had just created for himself..."Hey you!" "Oh no! It's them again! 2 Unlimited are back! The earthquake must have shaken them out of their cage!" "Hey! Fuckface! Git Ova Here! We Have A Little Unsettled Business To Take Care Off!" "Put a sock in it!" said Doc as he climbed over the rocks. "Damn!" said the Anita-thing "Now we'll have to climb over aswell! What about my naaaaaaaaiiiils!!! I just POLISHED them! WEEEEEEEEH!!! Raaaaay! Do sumting!!!" "Aaaah Shut Up!" said he as he slammed her face with his tribaldance-stick. Anita started kicking and biting Ray everywhere she could grab hold. Ray responded to this voilent attack by slamming the tribaldance-stick some more while shouting "Techno! Techno!" and making silly movements with his upper body, arms and legs. "Stop it you silly sausage!" said Anita. "No! You Stop It! Look What You've Done! My Ass Is All Black And Blue!". "Now that's what I call "going for the real thing!"" "Forget it! Let's get up there!". They started up the rocky slope when suddenly "Raaaay! My foot is stuck!" "Buddha!!!" screemed Ray and then the shit really hit the fan. The shaking started again, and more rocks where broken off like twigs and stalacthingies turned upside down like cards in a game of memory. Or was it the other way around...? Well anyway... C29 "Voices from within" ------------------------ Chapter 29: Voices from within Wanda slowly shuffled along the road. Once in a while a car past, but she didn't seem to notice (or she didn't care). Suddenly she decided that it was time to walk faster again. She rose her head and looked around, her eyes half closed. Then she whispered: "This world is sick! SICK! And I am going to fix it". She got over to the middle of the road and started running. "Illiminate the bad..." she whispered, trying to run faster. Her legs soon felt like lead pipes, but she forced them forward and continued doing so until she saw a black limo approaching. Her mind tried to figure out what was happening. The car, like herself, was in the middle of the road. It didn't move fast, but it was getting closer. "I have to move, that thing isn't going to..." she thought to herself. She was still running towards the car, exactly along the white line that marked the midle of the road. "You have to move to the side!" a voice in her head told her. The voice reminded her of someone, a woman. Another voice immediatly answered: "What if you don't?! Keep walking, and all your problems will be solved..." This voice was crystal clear, and easy to recognize. It was her mother!!! Her mother had died long ago...Wanda hated her! "Why should I take YOUR advice?" said Wanda to her mother. C30 "The Crash" --------------- Chapter 30: The Crash "Fuck! Pull over! Hit the breaks! Do something!!!" screamed CSilla. William (who had dozed off behind the wheel) suddenly came to life again with a deafening yawn. "Huh? What! Shit!". After producing several meters of black stripes, the car came to a stop, but it was to late. It had hit Wanda already. The Problem burst out of the car and gather around poor Wanda. They picked her up carefully and put her into the car. Next stop was The Problem HQ. Strangly enough, nothing much seemed wrong with Wanda, just a small concussion. "I've had worse..." she said when she came to. "You liar!" said the rest in chorus. The shock had positive effects too, Wanda didn't want any Bugles anymore, because she was afraid that things like this would happen again. Only after several weeks she could bring her self to be in the same room with a bag of bugles. "What ever happend to Steinberg?" asked CSilla. C31 "To be concluded..." ------------------------ Chapter 31: To be concluded... "Daylight!", yes, finally after hours of rockclimbing, hole-squeezing and cave-walking the old man saw a spark of light coming from a hole in the ceiling. A few minutes later he found a way out. He pushed away several medium sized rocks, and found himself in a basement of somesort. It wasn't daylight, just a Philips 70W lightbulb, but HEY! what do you expect in a low budget story like this! "Hey! Listen! There's someone in the basement!" said Solution. "Let's check it out" Alco said grabbing an axe. "Where did you get the axe from?" asked Wanda. "I found it...No actually it is my pocketknife in disguise!!! Swiss-army-knifes...more than meets the eye!" "A 2nd generation armyknife I presume?" Inifity asked. "No, I inherited it." "OK! Forget abou the Robo...eeuh armyknife, let's go and....Ooooh! What was it..." "Get the burglar?" Wanda filled in. "Eeeuh yeah!" the DJ said with a sheppish grin. He went to the basement door, grabbing a broomstick in the process. "Alright! I know you're I there! Come out, come out where ever you are!". "Stuff it Infinity!" said Solution "and be quiet!". "Hey! I can hear voice up there! Must be my imagination...All these hours in a cave make a man silly. Alright Steinberg, you silly old bugger, you, go and check it out!". He walked to the basement door and tried to open it. Infinity opened the basement door, or at least he tried to, but he couldn't. "It's stuck!" Let me try offered Solution. The DJ let go and Steinberg, who was at the other side of the door (You still didn't notice it was him?!?! This your first The Problem story or what?) was catapulted backward and landed at the foot of the stairs face down in a pile of rubble. "Who ever it is, he's face down in pile of rubble now!" said Wanda. Alcorhythm walked over to the pathetic looking guy in the pile-o-rubble and pulled him up. C32 "Concluding" ---------------- Chapter 32: Concluding A few weeks later, in the Music room of the The Problem HQ, the computer's monitor was displaying a scrolling field of numbers. The people in the room (AlcoRhythm, Solution, Infinity, Wanda and CSilla) weren't paying much attention to this though. They were talking about the past few months. "Funny when you come to think about it, Steinberg coming out in our basemant and stuff..." Wanda said. "I think we should get back to work by now", said AlcoRhythm. "I mean, what are the odds?" "Let's do something productive okay?" "...Exactly under THIS building. That's like... you know... i mean..." "We could try to sample CSilla's voice!?" "...I can still see him laying there, in the... WHAT?! CSilla?!? What about me then?" "Well, finally somebody who heard me!!" AlcoRhythm yelled. "Now, shall we!?" After three hours of pressing buttons: "Please get the Bugles! This is getting us nowhere!", said Alcorhythm to Solution while he was playing another failing attempt of a module... The End TheEnd "The End Or Not The End?" -------------------------------- WHAT?!?!? THE END?!? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO 'To be Continued'?!? Well, its' true, this was the very last episode of the Wanda and CSilla story. The Problem Stories Inc. will be back with other great stories soon...