Note: This text may contain words and language that might not be appreciated by some people. If you don't like rough language, do not read this text. This text is meant to be humourous, not an attack on good taste. (-WEd.)

"You call this low budget?!" yelled a furious director to his accountant, "I'd hardly call this a budget at all!". The accountant stumbled along with the director, whilst he whiped his forehead with a soft white piece of cloth he found on the set, on one of the pink beds. "How do you expect me to work with this miserable bit of pocket money! I got to shoot a film, not a photograph! Fuck You little asshole!" The poor accountant kept whiping his head because drops of sweat where dripping in his eyes, and because the director was spraying from his mouth when he yelled at him. It was also very hot, 40 degrees Celsius, on the set. The director thought it would save makeup costs if all the naked bodies would already glisten with sweat...

"This is the last time I'll EVER work with you shitface!"
"But boss, you can't possibly expect more money for a pornographic movie sir!"
"What? Porno?! It's not porno. Porno is for kids and men like you, this is stuff for adults! I won't take these insults any longer...piss off!"
A naked actress ran through between them "Where's my underwear...I'll fucking kill the one who's got my underwear..." The accountant continued "You're firing me sir? How could I have known that you where going to shoot in the winter. You said you would shoot in the summer, so I never thought that the heating of the building would cost this much." "You're not fired, now Fuck Off!" The accountant obeyed his orders, thankful for the mercy upon him. He whiped his forehead once more and suddenly realised that the piece of cloth was in fact a womens slip... He looked around him, put it in his pocket and quickly made his way off the set.

The director grabbed his bullhorn "Okay guys! Your attention please!". Everybody stopped talking and looked in his direction. "We're having financial difficulties caused by that miserable excuse for a living being! That means that we're going to have to do the film in two days! So no fuck ups!"

He waited for the laughing to stop, pretty proud of his funny remark, and continued.

"Everybody get properly dressed for your next take, and do everything in one take. Any questions?"
"Yeah, I got one!"
"Who the fuck stole my underwear!?!?"

The director rushed to his seat (easy to find, had 'director' written on it with a marker), and took the script from the table next to him. Without looking at it he opened it at the first page and took the bullhorn again.

"Okay Jenny! Jenny? JENNY JEN!" A blond woman rushed towards him. "Yes!" "Get on the bed, we'll do your scene first, the one where you and Pete go at it..." Pete was already 'setting everything up' and was ready to 'shoot'! Jenny undressed and layed down on the bed, next to Pete. "Don't be gentle" she whispered. "I have to be gentle, it's the opening scene..."

Director: "Okay ready?"
Jenny : "Yes"
Pete : "Yes"
Director : "Know all your lines and stuff?"
Pete : "No"
Jenny : "No"
Director : "WHAT? Damned! Why not!?"

But when he looked at his lap to see the script he already knew the answer. "Fuck!". Jenny and Pete interpreted this the wrong way and immediately started to 'act'. "Stop that! The script is in fucking Japanese! Who the hell got me a Japanese script?!" The accounted popped up and with a trembling voice he said: "We couldn't afford to have it translated sir, budget problems." "Jesus!" The set was quiet, all eyes aimed at the director. He threw the script through the room and yelled "What's the matter? Can't read Japanese? Fuck you all! I'll NEVER work with you again!" He fell back into his chair and burried his face in his hands. His shoulders bumped up and down a few times. Some of the people in the room started whispering "...poor man, he seems to be crying..." "...all the time he spent on this set, wasted..." "...yeah, everything down the drain..." "...aaah he's a pussy, crying like a baby..."

Suddenly the director got up from the chair and looked around the set. He looked at all the people in front of him and a twinkling light in his eyes clearly showed that he had a plan. "Where is that guy that did the lights? The Japanese dude I mean." "He is out to get some chinese food..." "When he get's back here, bring him to me!"

While waiting, the director debated with two actresses and the accountant about wether the japanese script should be read left to right, or right to left, or maybe even vertically or diagonally. After 45 minutes (the man was very hungry) the japanese guy finally walked in, and was taken to the director. "Give me that food" the director said. "You haven't got the time to eat it anyway. You're japanese huh?" "Yesyes director-san" "Okay cool! You see this script? It's in japanese. I want an English version of it on my lap in 30 minutes, and you are going to do the translation!" "First I eat... velly hungly, velly velly hungly!" "O no you don't. Translate first, then eat!" "Okay okay director-san! Then I eat... velly hungly you know, velly velly..." "Yeah yeah, cut the crap. Start translating, here's a pen."

30 minutes later the translator was finished. "I typed it out for you, you can velly easy lead this!" "That's about time! Gimme my pen back." "Can I have food now please?" "Sorry, too late. It was delicious by the way, where did you get it? Anyway, you haven't got time to eat, coz you're going back to the lights now. We'll start with Jenny and Pete again."

Another hour or so later, everybody had read the script and memorized their lines. Pete and Jenny where still on the bed. The director took his bullhorn again and yelled: "Okay, here we go... Camera? Sound? Erection?" "yep!" "ACTION!"

Pete immediately threw himself at Jenny and started to play his part. They both had only very few lines of text, and they did their best to say them as realistic as possible... A small dialog...

"O Pete!"
"O Chang Yung!"

"CUT! Who the hell is Chang Yung? We call her Jenny! That japanese dude is fired! But he stays to do the lights first! Fuck!"

"O Pete!"
"O Jenny!"

Pete did everything he was supposed to do, and Jenny acted like she was enjoying it.
"Ginger!" whispered the director, the naked actress came towards him.
"You are up next, get dressed!"
"Who's got my underwear then?"
The accountant stepped forward, reached in his pocket and handed her the white piece of cloth.
"What is this" Ginger said with an amazed look in her eyes.
"O o o sorry! That's my hanky... here"
The accountant handed her the object of her desire and she put her knee between his legs with a considerable amount of force.
"Why do you steal my underwear?"
"Ginger!" the Director said... "pay attention!"
He pointed with his finger at the bottom of the first page of the script.
"You see this? When Pete takes the girl from behind, you come in and surprise them!"
"I see... what's this word... supplise..."
"Japanese for surprise I guess. Just move in on my command!"

Pete took a quick look at the autoque on camera 1 to see what was next. 'Doggy' it said. So he stopped what he was doing and waited for Jenny to take position in front of him. "Now!" the director whispered to Ginger. His finger was still pointing at the script. "Supplise... I mean SURPRISE" Ginger said with the biggest possible smile on her face, while she dropped off her 'clothes'.

Jenny : "O wow... Ginger!"
Pete : "O my god! Ginger!"
Ginger : "It's me, can I help?"
Jenny : "Yeah baby"
Pete : "Oooooo"
Jenny : "Oooo yeah o yeah oyeah oyeah oYEAH!"
Ginger : "Mmmm Jenny..."

Director : "Mmm Jenny...o right here, I see..." he pointed at the script and closely followed everything that was said to compare it to the script. He turned the page...

Jenny : "Fuck me Pete! Yeah! Mmmm"
Ginger : "Yeah Pete, fuck her!"
Pete : "Oooo" ....and he thought "What do you think I'm doing here huh?"
Ginger : "Kiss me Jenny mmmmm"
Jenny : "Mmmmmmm tshmmm mmmsmackmmm mmmmmssmmack mmmm"
Pete : "Oo Oo Ooo oo oo oo" ...and he thought "Do I smell chinese food?"
Jenny : "Oooo Aaah Eeeeeaaah Oooeeewwweee uiuiuiuiui"

Director : "CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! Jenny!"
Pete : "Jesus Jenny!"
Ginger : "What the fuck? Jenny! You bitch!"
Jenny : "....What...?"
Director : "WHAT?! What do you think? Look here! LOOK!"

Jenny came to the director and looked where he was pointing. "O sorry" she said, with a red flush coming over her cheaks. "O sorry?!" the director raged "You fucked up you! I didn't expect this kind of mistake from you, you miserable cocksucker! Have you got no brains or something?! What kind of sperm did you swallow?!" "I'm sorry, I won't do it again..." "How can you possibly confuse 'wowooooooow' with 'uiuiuiuiui'. You say uiuiuiui in stead of wowooooooow. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable!!!"

Jenny got back to the bed, Pete and Ginger looked at her with eyes that shot fire. "We'll have to do this scene again!" But then the accountant stepped forward again. "I wouldn't do that sir... You'll run out of time if you do..." "Great! We'll skip the damned scene! It's not fun anymore anyway. And Jenny! You're FIRED!" Pete laughed at Jenny and got fired too.

"Now! We will continue with the next scene where Ginger, Marilyn, Tammy, Joan, Mirella and Jesse meet Nikki, Carol, Sue, Mary and Jack. And if any of you screws up their lines, you're fired! And get me some more of that chinese food!"

Taken from Probe Magazine Issue 1: Global Expansion, Soap Box/Much More.
ęCopyright 1997 by The Problem.